My Life Put on Hold 2020
At the beginning of the year, I was full of inspiration and opportunities. I spent NYE in Cuba. February in Colorado. Beginning of March in Lake Tahoe. Traveling is who I am. Then came Covid-19.
The Ides of March
March seems so far away now. It’s hard to think about life before Covid-19. On Monday, March 16th, I got the notice about the Shelter in Place order in SF. Like everyone else, I went to the market. Stocked up on toilet paper, pasta, rice, flour, and anything else that I could find. Shelves were sparse. I bought a puzzle. My mind prepared for a few weeks of staying in my house and not driving anywhere. A small thought about what I would say if I got caught driving to see family. Maybe I could say I had a toothache and I was on the way to an emergency dental appointment.
Don’t Go Outside – Don’t do Anything
For two months, Mid-March through May, I stayed indoors. I went outside for essentials only. I started doing yoga and online workouts. I stocked up on kindle books. I got to know my new roommates in SF. Some good days. Some bad days. I’d try multiple times a day to try to order groceries from amazon prime. The grocery store seemed dangerous. Most don’t know, but there were days where I would wake up in bed crying because I didn’t have the motivation to wake up and do anything. A deep gutted anxiousness. I kept thinking about what I should do with my life. “When is this going to end? Do I need money? What am I going to do? Can I see my family?” I didn’t complain to others because I didn’t have kids or a real job. I felt like I didn’t have that right. I bought another puzzle. I baked more. Everything became units of time. I needed things to do to get through each day. I used 25lbs of flour making an upside down blueberry cake, banana bread, cookies, belgian waffles, jaozi, bing, pizza, bagels, and cinnamon rolls.
Breaking Point
My roommates thought I was an introvert that never liked going out. If they only knew who I used to be. My mental health hit a breaking point. I couldn’t keep staying inside. I started going on long walks. 15K plus steps in a day. I would wander all around Golden Gate Park. Like others, I think I realized that this could go on for a year or more. I had to go back “into the world.” Isolation couldn’t be the only solution.
Levels of paranoia of the COVID-19 Transmission
- 10 – Everyone Stay away. Shelter in Place. No interactions
- 9 – Shelter in Place, Outside for Essential Errands only
- 8 – Wear a mask at all times whenever outside of the house. No one gets within 6 ft
- 7 – Wear a mask, but I also still visit friends, but keep socially distant
- 6 – wear a mask, some friends are within my bubble, all others are socially distant
- 5 – wear a mask, keep socially distance with strangers; friends are within 6ft
- 4 – wear a mask, meet people within 6ft, but keep a distance if they request
- 3 – wear a mask sometimes while walking around, i still hug people when i see people
- 2 – Only wear a mask when required to go in a store. Seeing all friends and going out
- 1 – No mask wearing. Going out as if nothing happened
At first, I was at a level 10. But as the days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months, months turned to seasons, I’ve changed. My anxiety started to go away. Now I feel I’m at level 6. By June, I started visiting friends and family again. Even my weekly visits to see my dad have slowly started to change. At first, I would sit at another table, wear a mask, wipe down everything. Now we sit together. Masks are only on when we take walks around the neighborhood.
It’s weird to admit this, but I felt as though I needed to hide any real happiness. Don’t share photos where you are too close to people. Social media became a shackle more than something of enjoyment. Can I post this photo? What about the racial injustices? The Black Lives Matter movement. Nothing seemed appropriate (to post)
Fourth of July and COVID-19
It didn’t feel right to celebrate the Fourth of July holiday. With the politics and BLM movement, I felt a strong dislike for the American Flag. Trump doesn’t represent me.
However, walking around the city that night, I became inspired again with all the fireworks across the skyline. The city needed to let off a little steam. Beautiful lights illuminated the sky. People enjoying themselves- hanging out around the parks, in front of their homes, in the streets. I felt happiness that night that I hadn’t felt in a long time. That feeling of being a tourist, seeing something new. I think I walked about 27k steps that day/night. I couldn’t stop soaking up the liveliness.
Setbacks – Everything with 2020 is still BAD
Throughout July, I started feeling like myself again. I stopped checking the COVID-19 tracker. I stopped obsessing over the test positivity rate. I went camping with friends. I started going to outdoor restaurants. Going offline and camping recharged me. Being in the wilderness let me forget about everything that’s wrong with the world right now.
There are moments where I feel like things will be ok. Then another disaster happens to remind me that the world is ending. Forest Fires. Jacob Black in Wisconsin.
What does 210k people dead mean?
People are dying. Traveling is unsafe. The rest of the world is going back to normal, where “we” as Americans are trapped in a pandemic without any signs of improvement. Arguments about mask wearing, social distance, and if this is even “real” continue. Anxiety and anxious comes in waves. When is this ever going to end? What am I doing with my life?
I feel like I keep waking up to a test on life. Can I get through this? When will I be ok? The cliché movie – Groundhog’s Day, seems like a reality. When will I perform the perfect day to force us to move on to a better world? If I can just focus on spending time with my family and becoming an SF local, maybe my life will be better.
Small Goals for Mental Health Awareness
I realize looking to 2021 is too far away. Instead, I set small goals each month. August: Swim Alcatraz. September: Learn how to do a Handstand. October: Swim without a wetsuit in the bay area. Each week I try to stay on a path of sanity. Pushing myself to keep going. Someday this “Pandemic” will be over and I’ll be able to start my life back up again. Small goals. Small wins.
A few weeks before my arrival, both my Dad and my friend Beverly helped plan every step of my journey from the arrival gate at the TPE airport to the train station in Taitung. I’m ready for this. I touch down bright and early at 5am. Walking around, there’s this familiar feeling walking through a foreign airport. Everyone has black hair and eyes like me. I can (more or less) understand people. In America, I look different; but people know I’m American because of my accent and mannerisms. Here, in Taiwan. I blend in. I’m just like everyone else until I open my mouth and people hear my accent. It’s a nice feeling.
The next day Beverly, James and I wake up early to watch the sunrise at the Zhaori Hot Spring. We get to the spring and there’s only one other family there. Multiple pools with a pretty view of the ocean, along with an indoor pool. We watch the sunrise and shortly afterwards, dark clouds appear and it starts to rain. Light sprinkles turn into big drops. We keep hopping into different pools, but the rain is bringing down the mood. We give up and decide to shower and leave. For a couple of bucks, we each buy these light yellow ponchos and ride back on our scooters. We are ready for some nice hot breakfast. We drive over to the local breakfast joint and order a bunch of different Chinese pancakes with eggs and assorted meats. About $2 for each order. I try to get some salty soy milk, but they only have the sweetened ones. No coffee.
During Christmas break of 1985, my dad drove me and Wendy down to la to visit Uncle Tony and his family. During our stay, they found out it was my birthday and promptly threw me a birthday party. After all these years, it’s one of my favorite birthday memories.
You can definitely “survive” on the 933 euros a month. The rent for a standard studio was about 400 euros a month (mine was a little less expensive). Although you wouldn’t be able to do anything else. Most other Auxiliares gave English lessons to students or online. I worked online after school for additional income. The price of a coffee here is 1 euro, a sandwich 2-3 euros. A dinner could be enjoyed for less than 10 euros. All my coworkers were always so generous in treating me to coffee or lunch.
One of the rules in the program is that the Auxiliares de Conversacion are not allowed to be left alone with the students. We are aids, not teachers responsible for the students. With that being said, I wasn’t sure if I had any authority to impose penalties for misbehavior. No one ever told me the guidelines or what I should do. I couldn’t figure out if my role should be as a friend to them or as a supervisor. My overall goal was to encourage them to speak English. I decided to kill them with kindness. I would be the one to help them. Let them know I was there as an English aid, not a teacher that would grade them. Whenever I would see the students around town, I would always wave and speak in English. “How are you?!” My heart would fill with joy every time they answered” I’m fine thank you and you?”
Being a maid of honor has many responsibilities, but perhaps one of the most important one is to plan the Bachelorette party. There are many things I needed consider
No bachelorette party seems to be complete without a trip to see men stripping off their clothes. I booked a VIP table in the front for my sister at Hollywood men. We were a group of 11 women and 2 gay guys, all excited with our $1s. At first, many people had their doubts if this would be fun. But everyone was happily surprised. We laughed and giggled. The best part was that my sis had a great time. After the club, we headed down the street to a tiki bar, where we ordered fancy cocktails and danced to some 80’s music.