After 17 years of gracing my presence and meowing her way into my heart, I had to say good bye to my sweet cat Jade this weekend.
This morning I woke up without the usual “MEOW.” A quiet room. Walking to the bathroom I found an empty space. No more cat litter. No more water bowl. No food bowl. Emptiness filled my heart and I let out a long sob. Good bye my Jade- I hope you are in cat heaven with Anderson.
Humor Is the best shield for Sadness
To distract myself from the inevitable, I used to crack jokes of Jade’s age and how she would live to 25. Masking the trepidation of the one day I wouldn’t hear her voice. “Darn old cat- meowing all day!” I’d say.
“Meow!” 5 am. “Ok Jade. God damn it. I’m up. Mommy’s getting you food. Hold on you crazy cat.” Spoiled Cat. Only the best food for you. Not in the mood for beef? Ok, let me open up some chicken. Some days it looked like a cat buffet in the bathroom.
Kittens and College- The Memories
I adopted Jade and Andy from a pet shelter in Summer of 2000. Both 6 weeks old and 2 lbs. Almost all my college friends have one or more stories about these crazy critters. I even remember driving Jade to my boyfriend’s house. She peed all over me. Even then she knew she was boss. I was merely the human taking care of these cats. They trained me well.
How time flies. I can’t imagine my life without her. Yet here I am. I can go anywhere in the world now, and yet, all I would like now is for a cat to complain to me. To hold me down and sit on my neck while I sleep.
Carcinoma – Liver Cancer in Cats
You just know something is wrong.
I could feel that something was different with Jade this week. Over the past few weeks she was on a steady decline. Even more finicky with food. A little weaker. Howling to go outside.
Then Wednesday she threw up. I immediately gave her anti vomit medicine and some pain meds. I waited a few hours and then proceeded to open 4 different cans of food. I even went out to a weed store and bought her CBD oil. I never tried it myself, but I didn’t want her to be in pain. Please don’t be in pain.
I could see sadness emanating from her dark green eyes.
After multiple trips to the vet, I checked Jade into intensive care for an ultrasound, biopsy and fluids. A few hours later I received the call.
Cancer. Tumors. No alternative. Euthanasia.
Nothing could have sounded worse. I didn’t want to hear it.
I knew in my head the time had come. My heart just wouldn’t listen.
I brought Jade home and she was tired. She couldn’t look me in the eye. She barely moved. I fed her ice cream, cheese, some onion dip – whatever she wanted.
The next morning, she tried to avoid me. Hiding. I knew it was time. But I couldn’t call the vet. Tears streamed out of me. I didn’t want to do it. I can’t do it.
Friends to the rescue
Trung saved me- he called the vet and drove me to the appointment. For an hour I sat in the room with Jade. I switched back and forth on hugging and holding her to petting her on the table.
The sedative made her feel like a rag doll. Eyes wide open. Heartbeat fast. Purring stopped.
Can she hear me? I cried and mumbled into her ear “I love you Jade. Now you can be with Andy. I’m sorry for the pain. I’m sorry I left you last year. I’m sorry I wasn’t always there by your side.”
Guilt stabbed me a million times. Why was I such a bad mom? Why did I ever leave her side? Could I have stopped the cancer with love?
The vet consoled me. It was the right thing to do. She was very sick and would never recover.
It took only 2 seconds. Once the final injection started, Jade stuck out her tongue and I could feel her heart stop.
Then it was over. Life left the room and I picked her lifeless body up one more time and kissed her good bye. The pain and sadness I feel right now is hard to describe. Sometimes I forget and I can do other things. Write this blog. Make coffee. Other times, I sob and cry. I miss her. I wish she didn’t have to die. Life is too cruel.
Rest in Peace Jade. May 2000- May 2017